Tween Angst

A man at my company used to teach middle-school English. When Ralph remarked that he had one of his own progeny in seventh grade, the man replied, "They're barely human at that age!" I thought that was a little harsh, until I found out that it's really kind of true.

Last night was Open House at the middle school, basically a non-structured Back-To-School Night. First Tweeny didn't even want to go with us, then he pretended not to know us as we walked into the school. He sulked while we listened to the principal in the opening assembly, and practically had a coronary when I went to introduce myself to his first-period teacher. "Dad! She's making friends with my teachers!!!" Oh. the. horror. After that, I simply told him to write down his classroom numbers so he wouldn't have to show us where they were, and released him into the night.

When we caught up with him on the basketball courts, I told him that one of his teachers hadn't been there, and asked what subject it was. No, actually I asked what class it was, to which he simply replied, "Five." I told him I knew the room number, but what class? "Five." I finally wised up and asked what subject, but he was already walking away from me as fast as he could so I didn't hear what he said. After asking him to repeat it, he turned around and said very slowly, "Laaaan-guaaaage Aaarrtts." You know, because all adults are idiots and we therefore need to be spoken to like two-year-olds.

This is the song that was going through my head at this point:




I'm sure my mother is grinning right now and thinking, "Payback's a bitch, ain't it?" (Okay, she doesn't really speak that way, but I'm sure she's thinking something along those lines.)

I have to say, it was not the best night of my life. But after Ralph calmed me down a bit, we went for ice cream and then came home and relaxed together as a family. Tweeny even managed to thank me for the ice cream, and didn't even hassle me when I asked to look at his agenda (something every teacher said we needed to do).

I reminded myself that when he's not busy being a ornery little thing, he's really an amazing kid who's kind and thoughtful, a great big brother and someone always eager to help those in need.

Even if he is barely human.