Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ugly Baby (Names)

Now, this post is not dedicated to ugly babies like this little bundle of joy, the first-place winner (for November) of the ugly baby contest.

Nor is it about the pageant industry that insists your child (with a weird name or otherwise) is ugly unless they they are spritzed, glammed, shellacked, and otherwise made up within an inch of their lives. I get genuinely creeped out when I see girls under the age of ten who either look like women in their twenties in miniature, or like airbrushed dolls, just like these girl below. (I think they looked just fine before the "amazing transformation" promised by "natural beauties.")

Now I'm going to have nightmares. But I digress (even though I'm sure these poor girls have names like Sienna or Madison)....

I came across an article on the TODAY site about the worst baby names ever, as compiled by Ancestry.com using data from the U.S. Census Bureau. I know that celebrities have always been known to give their children strange monikers, like Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf), Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette, half of the magical duo Penn and Teller), and come on, even Apple is a little weird, Gwyneth. (Is it because they hope this will keep their kids from obscurity?) But it turns out that there are names that people gave their children back in the good old days that defy rhyme and reason as well.

The names are divided into categories, such as food (Pickle Parker), sins (Sloth Washton), and Bart Simpson pranks (Ivana Tinkle). Some of my personal favorites are Mayo Head, Seymour Butz, Greed McGrew, Gamble Moore, and Cholera Priest. There is also the Best of the Worst category, where people can vote for the worst name ever given, and then see what others chose.

So what did people vote as the worst name ever? Ima Whore. That's right. And even though I don't know what century this poor child was christened in, I'm pretty sure that people would know the connotations of a name like that since the beginning of time. Bart Simpson must be busting a gut.

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