Monday Musings: Confessions

(I have no idea who these people are; I'm just using them for their album title.)

There has been something grating on me lately. It seems to be coming at me from all sides and it can't be coincidence, except for the fact that everyone is talking about this kind of stuff given the holiday this month.

Truth: I am an extremely ungrateful person.

It's quite true. I am always seeing the negative side of things to counteract any of the positives. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The lightening to strike.

It seems like I've been hard-wired this way.

This fact really hit me last week when I was in class discussing the topic of gratitude. We had just had a lesson on how gratitude is so important for healing, being successful, pretty much anything you can think of.

When we broke into small groups, I confessed to the other women that I hadn't even done my Thankful Thursday post because I couldn't come up with 10 things to be thankful for that day.

Which, of course, is ridiculous. Which, in turn, makes me feel guilty. Which makes me crabby and mean, which leads right back to ungratefulness.

It's a vicious cycle.

And one I can't seem to find my way out of. Of course, there is alway the route of finding someone to slap me and tell me to deal with it, that my life is paradise compared to most peoples' in the world. I should sell tickets; there'd be a line out the door.

From what I've heard and read about gratitude (other than the typical stuff each November), I've noticed a common theme: it is something that has to be practiced. I've heard time and again that I can't wait for what I deem "good things" to happen before I start being grateful. I can't wait for the feeling, or even for the bad times to pass. I have to be grateful in any moment. Gratitude is a choice.

Whoo, tough medicine for me to swallow. I'm a fair-weather gratitude chick. But if I'm ever going to get out of my resentment rut (and I've been in it for oh, my entire life, give or take a couple of years) I'm going to have to do some serious hard work at this gratitude stuff. I can easily knock off the typical list, "I'm grateful for my family's health, our jobs, house," etc., but that's pretty much rote to me. Which it shouldn't be. I take that stuff for granted every. single. day. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. (I throw myself lots of pity parties, can you tell?)

So yeah, November tends to bring this inner turmoil to the surface. And makes me think that somehow I'm missing the gratitude gene since I can't even be grateful and thankful for the very basics in life.

So, do I "fake it until I make it"? I've been down the make-yourself-feel-guilty path and it hasn't really been working, since it just gives me another excuse to feel sorry for myself, and throw another party.

Sorry for the mental diarrhea. I'm hoping that if I can somehow get it out of my system, I can then move forward instead of wallowing in the same cesspool all the time.

To make up for it, I'll leave you with something a bit more uplifting so you don't feel it was a total waste of time to read today.

Here's a cool website called 1000 Awesome Things. I might not love all 1,000, but there are a few that make me laugh. I'll have to head over there soon.

And my old standby, Cake Wrecks. 'Cause nothin' shows a proper display of gratitude and thankfulness during this season than, uh, "cakes"....

Yes this is actually supposed to be a turkey.