Friday, February 21, 2014

Joy Warrior

I am not someone who looks at a mud puddle and sees a rainbow.  I look at a mud puddle, and not only see it as a mud puddle, but I get angry at the thought that I could have stepped in that mud puddle and ruined a perfectly good pair of shoes and then also been late to a meeting I was rushing to.  How dare that puddle be in my way!  I won't be happy that I happened to notice it just in time, I'll most certainly think about the times I didn't see one in time, and how I ruined my shoes,  my day, and what the hell, my whole life.  Those damned puddles!  Everything in life is out to get me!

See where I'm going with this?  I'm not a glass-is-half-full kind of person.  Most days I convince myself that I don't even want to be that kind of person, that naive, head-in-the-clouds ninny who lives in a fantasy world.  "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist!"  Problem is, that does nothing to help my depression, my relationships, my thoughts of the future.

I heard a term recently:  joy warrior.  That struck a chord with me.  Not because I resemble one in any way, because I can't just find joy.  I have to fight for it.  I have to push past all the negative feelings I carry with me at all times.  I have to block out all the nay-sayers I seem to have surrounded myself with over the years.  (Misery loves company, I guess?)  It is a full-on battle for me.  And some days, most days, I wonder if I have the energy to fight.  But I have a feeling it's vitally important for me to try.

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