Truth is Stranger Than Fiction: Psychiatrist Edition

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The depression roller coaster hasn't let me off yet, and lately I've been musing about some of the doctors I've had in the past that I've turned to for this particular malady. Other than my primary physician, I've seen a few psychiatrists in order to try and create a cocktail that would help me crawl out of these deep, dark holes and remain more even-keeled. Trouble is, I seem to have quite a hard time finding one that isn't completely insane themselves. [This isn't meant as a generalization of psychiatry per se, I'm only documenting my personal experience.]

I have had a run of very strange encounters with these doctors, who range from being benignly indifferent to one-flew-over-the-cuckoo's-nest crazy. Since moving to SoCal five years ago, I've been through four doctors.



First: Dr. "Meh"

She was actually okay, but the meds she prescribed did very little.
She then moved far away so I couldn't continue seeing her. (I don't think she moved because of me....)

Second: Dr. Bat-S*** Crazy

* Dominated the conversation during our first meeting by describing his conspiracy theory about 9/11.

* At the second meeting tried to sell me on a pyramid scheme for mangosteen juice.

[I can't make this stuff up, folks.]

Didn't go back after that.





Third: Dr. I Don't Give a Damn

* Regaled me with tales of the kids he worked with in juvenile hall and how he would tell them that he didn't care if they cooperated, that he'd get paid either way.

* Referred to a lot of his patients as "ghetto kids."

* When I told him the Seroquel made me sleep for 14 hours, he didn't seem concerned and told me that I would just have to learn to adjust.

Didn't go back after that.





Fourth: Dr. Hypocratic Oathless

* Upon first meeting me told me I was eligible for this amazing, earth-shattering new brain study that could pinpoint exactly what medication I would need.

It was his own study. (Color me surprised.)

I took the preliminary test and somehow didn't qualify. He didn't really take much interest in me after that.

* Not once did he remember my name and never bothered to bring my chart in with him. He would have to ask my name every time he wrote a prescription for me.

* Once I Googled his name because I left my appointment book at home and couldn't remember the address or name of the building and needed the info for insurance. Found out he had a sexual misconduct charge brought against him.

Definitely didn't go back after that.

It's a wonder I haven't come through this worse than when I started.

Has anyone else had this crazy of an experience with doctors? Or is it just me?
(Please tell me it's not just me.)






Actually, I know I'm not the only one, because Agusten Burrows wrote the book, Running With Scissors, a memoir chronicling his life when he went to live with his mother's psychiatrist. Now that's a scary read.

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The Opposite

You know how people always say encouraging things like these?

"Go with your gut."

"Trust your instincts."

"Listen to that little voice in your head."


Lately, okay, mostly, I feel like all my natural instincts are wrong. Just when I think I've figured something out, it's not at all what I thought. When I approach a situation in what I think is the appropriate way, it blows up in my face. I swear, I should simply feed my gut, forget my instincts, and gag that little voice. Maybe then things would work out for the better.

That reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George comes to the realization that every decision he's ever made in life is wrong, and he's now going to do the opposite of what he thinks he should do.

I'm definitely going to try this.

Data Worship

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I read an interesting article today in Language Arts, which is the journal of the elementary section of the National Council of Teachers of English. In it, author Susan Ohanian describes how No Child Left Behind and its propaganda have left a path of destruction throughout our education system. Having left teaching before NCLB was in place, I was interested in reading about the ramifications of this plan, which actually describes itself in its opening page, "An Act to close the achievement gap with accountability, flexibility, and choice, [emphasis mine] so that no child is left behind." (ED.gov)

It seems like articles are popping up everywhere about a utopia that allows teachers to use data for every single movement they make in the classroom. (As if they had time to sit in front of a computer and review childrens' scores from the moment they entered school until the present and compare them to the state standards in order to properly plan the next day's lessons.) To that, Ohanian echos researcher Gerald Bracey's comment: "There is a growing technology of testing that permits us now to do in nanoseconds things that we shouldn't be doing at all."

Teachers are now basically required to teach to the tests in order to try to raise scores. As a step mom of reluctant students, I can tell you that forcing them to sit all day while you drill and kill them is not exactly motivating. I was talking to a teacher friend of mine recently, and she told me that last year they didn't even open their social studies or science books. "All we did was math and language arts, since that's what they test on." Some schools are even eliminating recess in order to have more time to focus on preparing for tests.

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Not only is the situation dreary for the students, Ohanian also describes how teachers are having to put aside their professional integrity in order to comply with NCLB. Since they have no protection from their unions or professional organizations, they can't afford to deviate from the prescribed methodology.

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An Education professor at Arizona State University who was interviewed on C-Span actually insisted that when teachers offer up anecdotes or personal stories that they should call them data. Teachers are told to read from scripts only instead of bringing in books from the outside (and might I add, real) world. I imagine that pretty soon they'll even have to give up talking to the kids about anything other than what is specifically on the test.

It appears that educators can't even ask for federal grants without sounding like they're appealing to Big Brother:

...screening, progress monitoring and outcomes assessments will be prescribed for all Reading First schools. Such assessments must be uniform in order to ensure that students are appropriately identified for extra help and that... programs are achieving desired results.

Doesn't that sound robotic? Who knows, maybe that's NCLB's ulterior motive: eventually replace all teachers with computers.

And to think I was actually considering going back to teaching.

Ohanian's asks teachers to return to their professional roots, to continue to stand up for the freedom to teach to the students themselves rather than to tests. She quotes Dr. Richard Allington, a professor of Education at the University of Tennessee, when he spoke at the NCTE Annual Conference in 2006. He described a strategy of resistance to the current practice, wherein teachers examine the code of ethics for their state and then teach in the best way they know how. If asked to stop, they should say, "Please put in writing that you want me to violate the state code of professional ethics."

Sounds good to me.

What the Hell am I Doing Here (in Blogland)?

(alternatively titled, My Schizophrenia is Keeping Me From Finding My Niche, alternatively titled, I'm Too Tired to Play Nice Anymore)



Today I'm still feeling tired.

And depressed.

And persnickety.

And mean. Really mean.

Not a great combination of emotions when you're writing a post, but I figure I might as well lay it all out there. This blog is supposed to be therapeutic after all. At least that's what I thought about it at first. Sort of like an online diary, expelling my thoughts to, if nothing else, get them out of my head and put something more productive in their place. (Ha! Hasn't happened yet.)

Instead I found myself caught up in one of the typical delusions of the blogosphere where I imagined other people were actually reading my crap. I read other people's blogs that had tons of comments and looked to see what they were doing to promote traffic. I participated in carnivals and commented on other blogs, and that did bring some traffic.

But you know what? I found I just don't have the energy to keep it up. Or the desire, really.

In order to keep people tuning in, (since my content alone won't keep 'em coming back) I'd have to have giveaways. I'd have to tell everyone to leave a comment and I'd pick one of them to win some sort of bauble I've made or bought (I guess the lucky ones get stuff donated to them. Hey, anyone out there want to donate a T-shirt emblazoned with Depression Sucks! for the cause?). And that just smells too much like having to join a sorority and essentially "buy" my friends. (Hey, I told you I was feeling mean. You were warned earlier.)

Either that, or I'd have to take such a violent stance on something that I would be willing to rail night and day about my cause and actually dare people to disagree with me just so I could tear their comments to shreds. I just don't have that in me, mostly because I just don't care that much what other people think. That, and I'm also a wishy-washy scaredy-cat.

It's not that I really have anything against people who use their blogs to showcase their products and/or ideas; I mean, blogging is just the newest platform for advertising. More power to 'ya for using it as such. I just get irked when people blog about all the "friends" they've made through their blog, when really they are just people hoping to win free stuff or people who are just looking for a fight.

Or maybe they really are making friends. What do I know? I never had the money (or desire) to join a sorority.

I don't really have a point to my meanness today, but I guess I'm just re-emphasizing to myself that I don't have a direction to my blog, which is bad if I wanted to get more readers.

See, the experts say you should have some sort of theme to your blog, so readers know what to expect. Whether it be decorating, saving the earth, religion, money-saving tips, knitting, politics, or alien abduction, it should be consistent so people who are interested in the same things can go to your blog to learn something new about their favorite topic.

I'm afraid I'm too scatterbrained/schizophrenic/bored easily to stick to one thing.

For example, I tried "going green" with my posts at first, and while I found out a lot of cool stuff when researching for my posts, I also found that most "greenies" are sanctimonious hypocrites, at least the most prominent ones are. (No offense to those who are simply trying to help the earth in their little corner of the world.) I didn't want to be lumped into that group; plus, I've found better ways of going green from homemakers who are just trying to stretch a dime (instead of buying the newest, greenest product that costs 10 times what normal people can afford.)

Geez, I lost my point back there. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I never had one.

One thing though, I sure do feel better. Getting it off my chest helps.

It's a good thing I don't have any loyal readers, since they would all be offended by now. But just in case I haven't gotten rid of my last lurker, I'll just list a couple of other groups/things that have irritated me lately. That will relieve more stress while at the same time ensuring I've alienated everyone under the sun. Just so no one feels left out.

* I HATE drivers in Southern California. Apparently, everyone's parents down here married their own sibling and then gave their subsequent offspring a set of car keys. I have never seen more ridiculous behavior exhibited than on So Cal freeways by people who supposedly have enough knowledge to pass the driving test. They are all cell-phone abusing, burger-munching Chatty Cathys who pay more attention to putting on their make-up in the mirror than the road in front of them. I actually saw a guy playing the flute while he was driving the other day.

* I hate people who can't be bothered to put on actual clothes and brush their hair before they leave the house. And I'm not talking about the mother-of-four with sick kids who is running to the drugstore for anti-nausea medicine after an all-night barf fest. I'm talking about those twenty-somethings who show up to work/class/dinner looking like they just rolled out of bed and can't be bothered to dress up unless it's for a date. It's like they feel like everything/everyone else is just not important enough to put in effort for.

* I think people who say they are starving! and act as if they really are while they are walking into a restaurant have no idea the real meaning of the word and should be shot on site.

* I think people who are passive-aggressive and use guilt as part of their artillery should also be shot on site.

* I think anyone who says their mother is their best friend must not have had really good friends growing up. (Yes, this one is mainly out of jealousy.) Although I think people who try to be their kids' best friends should try instead to be a parent.

* I hate tattlers, kiss-ups, do-gooders, shmoozers, holier-than-thous, know-it-alls, ignoramuses, and close-minded hypocrites.

* I also hate haters, which must mean I loathe myself. Of course.

Hey, maybe that's my theme!

Happy tax day everyone! Oh, yeah. I also hate the IRS.