2012 Can Suck It But I'm Still Not Making Any Resolutions

(source)

I totally forgot that the world was supposed to end today until Ralph mentioned something about it this morning.  That now means that everyone is going to have to face the reality of another year coming upon us, like it or not.

Twenty-twelve was not quite a total disaster, but I'm not sorry to see it go.  Looking back at my posts for the year (there aren't many of them) I can see the depression and deep sadness seeping through.  I'd like to be able to work on having less of that in 2013, but there's only so much I can control.  I know, I know, positive thinking and all that.  But when depression sucks you so far down into the muck, it's a bit hard to keep an upbeat view of it all.  And when life dumps a whole truck full of lemons on you, it's all you can do just to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I think what I have to do is just LET GO.  Let go of any expectations of what this coming year might bring.  Let go of trying to control all difficult situations that might arise (and I'm sure there will be plenty), and let go of trying to solve all my problems of the past, present, and future and JUST BE.  (Oooh, do I sound all new-agey?)

I can't look ahead to 2013 yet because I'm just trying to focus on the next five minutes.  I think I only have the capacity right now to focus only on taking the next step.  And maybe that's just what I'm supposed to be doing.  Maybe in this season of my life, that's the best thing for me to do, so that I don't get so overwhelmed with what's ahead.  So no resolutions this year, and no picking a word or anything like that. (Although, I suppose if I picked simple ones like "breathe" or "blink" I might be successful.) Don't get me wrong, I like the idea, and I know it's good motivation to set goals for yourself.  I look forward to reading about other people's goals/words for the upcoming year.  It's just not for me right now, not this year.

I think my main goal for 2013 is to try and make it through the year without stressing too much about stuff that is completely beyond my control.  That, and allowing myself to not set high (read: unrealistic) goals and instead focus on just taking care of myself, even if that means not having a clear idea of what direction I want my life to take right now.  I think this will also help me appreciate the good things I do have in life, like a supportive husband, good friends, my health, a good job, and many, many little joys that pop up every day.

And if I can keep from having a nervous breakdown?  Added bonus.

So I updated my blog and header a day early. Partially because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween and can't wait to decorate and dress up and eat lots and lots of candy.

And partially because I'm kind of ready for September to be over. The beginning of school and football practice always bring total chaos, and I'm ready to settle into the routine. That and I'm ready to be done shelling out big bucks for everything from back-to-school clothes to fundraisers to football gear. (Oh, I know, that stuff never stops, it just seems like September tends to drain us faster than most months.)

Coincidentally, Heather at Dooce made an observation about September on her blog yesterday. It totally makes sense to me, and is something I hadn't thought about before. Go check it out.


Here's to Halloween, cooler weather (only 90° today, woo hoo!) and loads and loads of candy.

Today I Feel Like George But I'm Dressed More Like RuPaul

I saw the link for this Seinfeld clip on the Nester's site and thought, yeah, that's me today. (I tried to embed the video but it's copyrighted or some such crap. Just click the link. It's only 20 seconds.)


Today I'm feeling:

uninspired
like just giving up
tired
like my to-do list is way too long and boring
lethargic
bitter
old
you get the idea

But instead of putting on some (very tempting) comfy clothes to wallow in and even comfier shoes, I chose these out of my closet instead:

(image source of these 5" platform heels)

Yes, I actually own a pair of these shoes.

I'm hoping these will get me out of my funk.

I think I've worn them twice.

I'm glad I sit at a desk most of the day.

My coworkers think I'm crazy.

I think they are probably right.



I have to admit it's hard to wallow when all your concentration is focused on trying not to fall and/or break an ankle.

Diversion. It's a great antidepressant. Drag queens are on to something.

(image)

Came across this today and thought it was pretty funny. Although I think my brain's caption would read "utter [chaos]."

Don't Be Sad, Be Awesome

I needed this today.

It's kind of a blah day.

I know it's not this easy, but it brought a smile to my face.









I found both the picture and the video on Meg's blog, Whatever...

Imperfect

I originally found this post at 320 Sycamore, which led me to a wonderful site, Whatever.... The author, Meg, puts it out there for all to see that her life is not perfect.

I love these posts where people show us their real life. Not because I get to feel superior, far from it. But it does make me feel better to see that I'm not the only one who doesn't have the perfect house, perfect kids, perfect life.

Especially at this time of year, I get to feeling down about how I just don't have it together enough to make Christmas a memorable one for the boys. I bemoan how I just don't have the time, ingenuity, or energy to create the perfect holiday, complete with decorations perfectly hung and the aroma of sugar cookies in the air. (That's when the little voice that's been drowned out by the others starts to whisper that I should get over it already and focus on the true reason for the season.)

But I digress....

What was I saying? Oh yeah, nobody's perfect. It's not that I think people are lying when they show us their gorgeous homes/kids/crafts, etc. It's just that sometimes I like a little break from all the perfectness.

And I commend Meg for her bravery at showing us pictures of her real, messy, imperfect life.




If I posted pictures of the boys' rooms I think someone would call CPS on me.

Or the Department of Health and Safety.

Or a Haz Mat team.


Anyway, thank you Meg.

What ho! No New Year's Resolutions?

Each January I get more than a little depressed. I see everyone making new resolutions to lose weight, become more organized, completely renovate their home, finally make time to write that award-winning screenplay, etc. Unfortunately, I always feel like resolutions are just one more way to set myself up for failure. And believe me, I don't need any more opportunities for that. Some days I struggle with just trying to keep my head above water. (Personally, I like the idea of rebelling against New Year's resolutions, like over at Beauty and Bedlam. )

I was happy, then, when the pastor at our church last week had a different take on the beginning of the year. The great part was that he used Seinfeld to illustrate. (I'm a sucker for anything Seinfeld. )

In the specific clip, George was recounting his harrowing adventure of saving a whale. He had lied to a woman to impress her by telling her that he was a marine biologist. When they were on the beach and saw a distressed whale, he faced the dilemma of telling the woman he had lied or actually attempt to save the whale. It was then that he had a divine moment. He knew what he had to do. As he was retelling the story, he said "At that moment, "I was a marine biologist!" (It turns out he plucked one of Kramer's golf balls from its blowhole.) The clip is priceless:

Anywho, the pastor discussed looking for our divine moments this year. He said we should keep our eyes open for those moments and be willing to take risks. So often I get frozen with doubt and fear, and I, for one, am tired of it. So instead of setting up impossible expectations, I'm simply going to try and be open to whatever comes my way in the form of help, opportunity, or simply peace.

Self Pity
I never saw a wild thing
Sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough,
Without ever having felt sorry for itself.

~ D.H. Lawrence


I love feeling sorry for myself. There. I said it. It's true. Not that I want to make it my pastime of choice, but I slip into this rhythm where it feels comfortable to be wallowing in self pity, even though I know it's only making things worse. It's like that sore tooth that you can't seem to leave alone. You press it with your tongue even though you know it's only going to make it hurt more. And you feel justified in your pain.

I also love being a martyr. I want everyone to know how I'm suffering because of them, or just because of life in general. I want people to feel sorry for me, especially because I'm feeling sorry for myself. But then I think that they would just be pitying me for my lack of a spine, or lack of gumption, or whatever it is we Americans are supposed to have.

It's a daily battle that I wage with myself. I want to come off as stoic, as someone strong and impenetrable, but I also want acknowledgment that I am suffering inside. It's one that I've been dealing with a lot lately.

On her blog and in her books, Mary Southerland talks about "sandpaper people," those who rub us the wrong way or even rub us raw some days. To me, the sandpaper people in my life are the ones who daily criticize me or talk about (and laugh at) me behind my back. I know it happens to everyone, but of course, my focus is mostly on myself. That's where it's hard for me to be selfless, to focus on others instead. I want to cry, "But aren't I important too? My feelings are hurt, and yet I'm supposed to be the one who turns the other cheek? Even when I don't get any apologies or even a reason for behavior directed towards me?" It's a constant struggle.

Then there's that little voice inside me that just rubs salt in the wound. What reason do you have to feel sorry for yourself? You have enough food to eat, enough clothes to wear, you're not in constant pain, you're not beaten, destitute, or even restricted by any physical abnormalities. That's when I most want to feel sorry for myself.

So what's a self-centered, mooning, disillusioned yet blithering idiot grown woman to do?

Put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

I've seen a poster shown on many blogs lately, the one with a crown and the words KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON. A reminder to keep our heads even when things aren't going our way. Especially when things aren't going our way. I've also heard many versions of "One day at a time," my favorite being "Just take the next step." (I know the peanut gallery is having a field day with this right about now.) Yet as sappy as it sounds, there are days when that's all I can do. Hey peanuts, at least it's something. It's at least a step in the right direction. A form of being proactive. A way of not letting the peanuts turkeys get me down.

Remember this?

(image source)

I still like it. The art work may have gone out of "popular" style, but I still like the message. I like it even in the times when I don't like that I have to put it in practice myself. (Easier said than done, I admit.) And even though all I want to do right now at this minute is to feel sorry for myself and cry and pull the covers over my head, I'm going to try (I said try, not necessarily succeed) to just take the next step.

Blithering idiot signing off. Carry on. Calm or not.

So Tired....

I'm exhausted today. I think I may be getting sick.

I was reading some of my old journals the other day when I was searching through some old memorabilia. So many of my entries start with me writing about how tired I am. Seems like exhaustion has always been here with me. It's like the house guest that has worn out their welcome but who just won't leave.

And exhaustion always brings its sidekick, depression. Makes me even more tired.

Tired of always being so tired.

Tired of having to rally for things I don't want to do.

Tired of always having to be the nice one.

Tired of never feeling fully understood.

Tired of never catching a break.

Tired of things never turning out quite how I wanted.

Tired of having to keep a smile on my face.

Tired of having no direction.

Tired of having to always be the one to compromise.

Tired of putting up with bad behavior for nothing in return, and yet knowing that it's my fault for putting up with it in the first place.

Tired of trying to come up with blog post topics.

Tired of always coming up short.

Tired of pretending.

Tired of not having anyone to talk to.

Tired of things supposedly changing but yet always staying the same.

Tired of not being able to find joy.

Tired of always walking on eggshells for fear of making other people uncomfortable.

Tired of it never being enough.

Tired of trying to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.




Sheesh. Talk about drivel. It's a wonder they haven't taken my blog down for the sole reason of killing people off with sheer boredom.

"Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you feel happy." ~ Homer Simpson

This weekend started well, but ended up with the Sunday Blues. This happens more often than not, as long as I can remember. Friday evening and Saturday are great, but Sunday comes and hits me with this feeling like I've wasted it all. Too late to go do something fun (not true, usually), and not enough energy to do it anyway. For some reason I end up craving the routine of work so as not to be filled with the empty void that is Sunday afternoon.

I usually try escapism in some form or another, mainly movies or books. Ralph and I watched a couple of movies, and I was able to get my mind off of things for a while. But then the boys came home, tired and grumpy from a day at a water park, and didn't mention they were hungry until pretty late. Then Ralph and I (mainly Ralph) had to kind of hurry up and make dinner when it was already getting dark (he was BBQ-ing so it made things hard in the dark).

The boys continued to stay grumpy and say they were bored and there was nothing to do. Yeah, it's awful that we don't have any TV, computer, or video game units for the poor things to play with, let alone any skateboards or a large pool to swim in. So deprived...

I know I shouldn't have let it get to me, but I was already down, and the attitudes didn't help. Plus, it made me feel bad for Ralph since they said they wanted to go to their mom's for the rest of their vacation. That's a whole issue in and of itself; long story. It just made me feel really overwhelmed, especially since I really can't do much in that situation.

Something else that got me down this morning was when I was checking one of my regular blogs and it had a post that made me feel like the person was being very hypocritical. It made me sad because I had looked up to this person for a while, and they talked often about ideals that meant a lot to them (and me). But this particular post showed how they could quite easily throw their ideals to the side when they weren't convenient.



I'm finding that kind of behavior more and more often these days. It makes it hard to believe in any one particular movement anymore. Sigh.

Hopefully I'll find something uplifting to think about today.

Today I am feeling...

With the funeral costs and all, I have been thinking lately about our budget, or lack thereof. Even if there is money to help pay for the funeral (looks unlikely), we both have debt to pay off. I don't know if a really strict budget will be something we can realistically stick to, but if my calculations are right, we'd be able to pay off our debt in a year or so if we're careful. Too bad something bad/sad had to happen to put it all in perspective for us :(

I'm thinking of putting updates on here about my progress with the debt monster, more as a reminder/inspiration for myself than anything else. But who knows, maybe I'll inspire someone else to do something similar.

More to come later as I formulate my plan of attack...

This Week = Depressing, Dirty, and Disorganized

I am putting the picture below at the beginning of this post, because that is the one thing of beauty that made me happy today. I wrote to my grandmother today, having to use plain white computer paper since I forgot my nice stationery for her at home. I thought I'd at least spruce it up for her by putting something from Karen's Whimsy on it, and found this cool postcard. Her stuff always cheers me up. I think it's supposed to be for Valentine's Day, but I figured we could all use some love and wishes coming true right now.




It's been a really hard week with Ralph's dad's passing. Even though I only met him a few times, I know what an emotional impact he had on his family. Ralph has had to spend hours at the funeral home going over details, and it doesn't help that there are other family issues that are hindering the process.

I've been trying to be supportive and help keep things going on the home front, but I am at a loss. Having been used to running a classroom, I've been interacting with the boys in the same manner to try and get chores done. Hasn't been going over so hot. Saturday it all came to a head and we had a very frustrating day. Even though it's been smoothed out, we are still struggling with repercussions and I feel like the amount of work to be done is really overwhelming.

It doesn't help that I've been looking around at organizational sites lately in order to try and "fix" my situation at home. Seeing as how now is the time many people are spring cleaning, there are plenty of blogs boasting beautiful homes. It seems like everyone is having "ah ha" moments and claiming things on their blog such as "I never realized it would be so easy! Everything is now perfectly organized!" They display their before and after photos, showing not only perfectly-clean houses but uber-organized closets, pantries, purses, cars, kids' rooms, and cabinets. I can't even imagine posting a picture of any of those areas right now...

We have pictures strewn on just about every surface, as I volunteered to put together a collage of Ralph's dad for Friday's viewing. The boys have fallen behind in their chores because neither Ralph or I have the energy to get after them this week, so the waste baskets are overflowing, there are dirty dishes in the sink and on the counters, and clothes, shoes, backpacks, baseball gloves, and other flotsam all over the house.

I thought maybe I'd tackle something small to make myself feel better, like my purse. Even that was too much for me. The first thing I pulled out was a wrinkled receipt that reminded me that gas is now up to $3.72 a gallon. That depressed me so much that I just shoved it back into the abyss and gave up, instead deciding to write about how sorry I feel for myself right now. All I want to do is curl up in bed, eat cookies, and wash trash T.V. I think I might be able to do that tonight since the boys don't have baseball practice and therefore everyone will be home to eat an early dinner.

Is it Friday yet?

In memoriam

Ralph R. Olmedo
1950-2008

Ralph's dad lost his fight with Hepatitis C this past Friday. He had contracted it from a blood transfusion in the 70s, and was officially diagnosed in 2001. He had since developed cirrhosis of the liver and his kidneys had failed as well. He was only 58 years old.

I am sorry that I never met the "real" Ralph, as he was already very sick when I met him for the first time. His son tells me he was a man of honor and strong convictions, and his grandsons tell me that their favorite memory of their grandpa was of him singing them silly songs. He will be greatly missed.